Your Sex Life, Your Way

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99% of the questions I get as a sex educator fall into one of two categories: “How do I…” and “Am I normal?”

 

They’re often couched in different words, but the underlying concern is the same.

99% of the time, the answer is yes.

 

When it comes to sex, there's no normal - only more or less common. 

When I lead workshops, one of the first things I do is invite participants to “try and shock me” with their questions.

This invitation reassures participants that they’re normal because nothing they ask will scare me. They may surprise me with something I’ve never heard of, but I won’t be repulsed by it. It also establishes trust – that I’m here as a resource for them and a resource who believes in all sorts of sexual expression. All of this is driven home when I then drop in a tidbit about blood play or some other, less common but absolutely normal kink.

 

The only people who get to decide what’s “normal” for your sex life are you & your partner(s). 

Only in the mood for sex once a year? That's ok! 

Like to get it on 10+ times a week? Go for it. 

Want to be strictly monogamous? If that works for you! 

Want to be an insatiable flirt, fuck other people, and/or have relationships of different seriousness with multiple folks? That works.

Love missionary? That's cool. 

Want to explore all 50+ shades of gray? Enjoy! 

Crave some combination of some and/or all the above? I want all the details.

The caveat to all this is, of course, as long as you and your honey(s) agree. That means, yes, you must talk to them about these issues. How to do that is the topic for another post but for now I'll say this: it’s scary and oh-so-worth it. And as you get used to doing it, it gets easier. Just like every other hard thing you do in every other part of your life. 

Ok, so you might be thinking, “Kait that’s great and all but way easier said than done. I hear you and it sounds amazing but how do we get to that space of knowing and accepting what’s normal for us?”

 

Think about the best and worst sex you’ve had.

Where were you? What was the relationship like? How were you feeling that day? What else was going on in your life? Was it a special occasion? Did you talk dirty? How were you touched? What sexy things did you do?

By reflecting on what has and hasn’t worked in your sex life thus far, you build your foundation of what’s normal and pleasurable for you.

 

Complete a yes/no/maybe list for yourself.

This tool helps you explore different types of sex, intimacy, kink, and more, and your willingness to try them. Think of it as the ultimate sex inspiration guide!

By looking at what you are (and aren’t) willing to try, you continue building up your sense of normal. Bonus! Comparing your list to a partner’s is a great and easy way to talk about sex.

I <3 this one from Autostraddle.

 

Approach sex advice with a beginner’s mind. 

Now that you have a solid sense of your normal, sex advice can become an opportunity to check in with how you’re feeling about your current sex life.

For example, if a study says having sex twice a week is BEST, use that number to see how you feel about how often you have sex with your honey. Are you happy with this current frequency? Great! Feel like you want to move up or down to two? Time to talk with your beau.

Similarly, when new toys and positions come across your radar ask, "What can I learn from this? Is it time to spice things up or am I satisfied & fulfilled with how things are right now?” There's no wrong answer! 

 

Take what works, and leave the rest. 

If the sex advice inspires you, great! If not, that's fine too. (Are you seeing a theme here?!) 

Similarly, if you like part of it and aren't sure about the rest, add in what attracts you and disregard the rest. 

It's YOUR sex life and yours alone. You and your partner(s) are the only ones who must be happy with it, no matter how it stacks up against society's norms or your besties' opinions. 

 

Kait xo

 

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Find more from Kait Scalisi and learn how you can work with her to create a custom pleasure workshop at PassionbyKait.com.

Kait Scalisi